Once upon a time in America, the land of opportunity, a group of foreign
guys at a Florida strip club said: "Let's get Korans and boxcutters and
hijack airplanes and crash them into skyscrapers."
And so they did.
They bought flight manuals and lapdances, Korans and double martinis. They took
flight lessons and bad photos. But most of all they flew badly and partied and
flunked flight school.
"But how will we deceive NORAD," said one flunky? "And how will
we get past airport security," asked another? "And how many millions
should we invest in Put Options," said a third?
They discovered that NORAD and the Pentagon would be having some military exercises
on the exact same day they chose for their mission. Although several top US officials
knew in advance not to fly that day, nobody warned any average citizen.
Next the G-string jihadists outwitted the FBI. They outfoxed the Bureau's top
officials by brilliantly exposing their plans to FBI field agents months in advance.
The plotters seemed to know that the FBI head honchos would never believe their
most patriotic field agents. Instead they would harass these agents long after
the plot unfolded.
Next the 19 outlined their plan. "We'll get past Israeli security at Logan
airport in Boston by posing as Arab terrorists. We won't even check in or show
proper credentials. We'll just go right on through, like ghosts."
And so they did.
But one BIG problem vexed them greatly. How exactly would steel skyscrapers, seven
of them, fall down once two aluminum airplanes hit them? So they went bowling
and decided that the two airplanes would be like the bowling ball and the WTC
buildings would be like the pins.
Still they wondered: How to make these massive towers, built with an enormous
inner core to withstand 180 mph hurricanes, engineered to survive the impact of
a jumbo jet, actually fall down?
So the 19 flight school dropouts put their minds together and thought and thought.
The Newtonian laws of gravity and physics, and the long history of burning steel
skyscrapers (None had ever fallen down before--or since) seemed to be against
"What if we make the Twin Towers pancake down," said one flunky, with
a face full of buttermilk hotcake? The plotters were all eating a pre-dawn breakfast
special with their bleary-eyed lapdancers. A group of Iraqi undercover agents,
Saddam's finest, had joined them, savoring a short stack of blueberry pancakes.
And so the laws of physics and logic waffled that day.
"We can also knock down the CIA headquarters in New York City, demolish the
mayor's command post, and wreck the SEC records building while we're at it, crushing
the entire building while smacking the structure with a few objects the size of
an I-beam" said one bright plotter, remembering his Put Options.
And so they did.
The mighty Pentagon was next to fall. A fortress guarded by many layers of security,
the trillion dollar war toy shopping mall seemed impregnable. But not to the 19
They had discovered, by trial and error, that it was mush easier to fly a hijacked
jumbo jet with screaming passengers than to control a small Cessna with a calm
instructor beside them. The flew those jumbo jets like Blue Angels--except better--pulling
ten G's before leveling off and smacking the Pentagon exactly where it had been
But unfortunately for the G-string jihadists, the Pentagon bigwigs knew months
in advance. The Pentagonals even published a report with a hijacked plane exactly
in the center. They knew no hijacker could ever score a bull's eye---and they
The flight school dropouts only hit the edge.
But by outflanking, outfighting, and outthinking the combined resources of the
Pentagon, CIA, NSA and FBI,, the flight school dropouts had succeeded. Sure, they
never received their certification in small planes but they had outfoxed NORAD,
Israeli security and the combined resources of the US Air Force in the airspace
And even more amazing: the 19 stripclub afficiandos had engineered their own deaths
to look like deaths. Nearly half of them were still alive the next day.
Call it a modern mission impossible. 19 flight school dropouts who couldn't control
a Cessna had destroyed seven heavily-insured steel skyscrapers and the recently
remodeled wing of the Pentagon, while outwitting airport security, smashing CIA
and SEC headquarteras in a 47-story New York skyscraper they hadn't even hit,
while devising a brand new scientific "pancake" theory. All while remaining
alive and forcing the entire US population to live in terror, utterly taxed for
the unforeseeable future, to pay for the trillions in new war toys and security
measures, in a fruitless manhunt to find the alleged mastermind.
In conclusion, the 19 boxcutter boyz were either the Ultimate Fighting Champions,
or the the above account remains a modern fairy tale, fabricated by the very same
people who placed those Put Options and demolition charges and continue to profit
USAF veteran and amateur historian, Douglas Herman
is the contorversial author of The Guns of Dallas. He recieves mail at firstname.lastname@example.org
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