What do transnational corporate giants know that we don't? Do you ever wonder why CEOs have all that fun dwelling in decadent luxury while the rest of us live from paycheck to paycheck just to make ends meet? Of course you do.

Well, stop dreaming and read on ... because here, for the first time ever, are the top seven secrets of America's most dynamic and successful corporations:

1. Say no to unions. Avoid the annoying hassles and unnecessary costs of dealing with overtime pay, sick leave, OSHA rules, strike threats, and other labor related nuisances. Keep those union organizers away, hire temps, outsource jobs overseas; it's the American Way.

2. Cut labor costs.

Sweatshop: How does 15 cents an hour sound to you? No lunch break. No bathroom breaks. Remember, if your company doesn't hire that pre-teen girl in El Salvador, her family will starve. Have a heart.

Prisoners: Imagine a workforce that lives and sleeps at the work place. Think outside the box, but inside the cells. Prison labor ... it's not just license plates anymore.

Slaves: The ultimate choice for maximum profit. Never mind the touchy-feely human rights talk. It's not our job to meddle in another sovereign nation's business. After all, if there's going to be indentured servitude, you can be damn sure your competitor won't be squeamish about cashing in.

3. Exploit corporate welfare. Here's how the commies at Public Citizen explain it: "Each year, U.S. taxpayers subsidize U.S. businesses to the tune of almost $125 billion, the equivalent of all the income tax paid by 60 million individuals and families. These corporations receive a wide range of favors: special corporate tax breaks; direct government subsidies to pay for advertising, research and training costs; and incentives to pursue overseas production and sales." Well ... what are you waiting for?

4. Disregard environmental regulations. Ask your shareholders how they feel about installing those expensive safeguards just to save a salamander or two. Besides, thanks to "greenwashing," it's not like anyone notices. Just because you're an oil company doesn't mean you can't sell yourself as a friend of the environment, right? Learn from Kraft. They creatively promoted their cereals as having "natural ingredients" when in fact, the corn they use is genetically engineered. Take-home message: Perception is reality.

5. Take advantage of the magic of public relations. Toxic sludge has become bio-solids. Used is now pre-owned. McDonald's sells salads. Front groups, fake op-eds, third party testimonials ... check out what PR Watch is bitching about if you're not sure what to do.

6. Make strategic campaign contributions. Managing your bottom line is so much easier with a few members of Congress on your side. We live in a democracy; why not make it work for your company? Remember: Senators need vacations, too.

7. Donate lots of money to safe, generic charities. Nothing says "hero" like a big fat check ostensibly earmarked for needy kids in some godforsaken corner of the globe. Don't forget to enlist a celebrity to keep the focus on your generosity and away from the conditions that create the need for charity in the first place.

As J. Paul Getty sez: "Formula for success: Rise early, work hard, strike oil." So what you are waiting for? This is truly the land of opportunity...

Mickey Z. can be found on the Web at: www.mickeyz.net. His latest book is 50 American Revolutions You're Not Supposed to Know: Reclaiming American Patriotism (Disinformation Books, 2005).