Hey y’all, got your television sets on? Sure hope so. It’s your patriotic duty. Deadeye Dick has his tuned to FOX News.

That sure does explain a lot.

My set is always on. Even though it’s downstairs and I’m upstairs. The blitzkrieg of mindless banter makes me feel not so alone. I don’t want to miss any breaking news. I want to be told what to think.

What do people do who can’t watch because they are at work? Dunno. We can’t all work in a bank, airport, sports bar or proctologist’s office, now can we? We can’t all be lucky Americans whose jobs have been outsourced, who must collect unemployment and get to sit at home watching Phil, Oprah, Judge Judy, Emeril and who knows all day.

If you still have a job and are stuck at a desk with a computer, or are working in other unenlightened places lacking Your Master’s Voice, I shudder at the thought of your plight. You need to give the Boss Man a piece of your mind! You’re missing out on essential entitlement.

Here’s a for instance. Where would I be today if my most generous mother-in-law didn’t have the screen blaring QVC all day? I wouldn’t have my Budweiser beer can slippers! That’s where! I’d be walking around the house wearing out my socks! I’d be an object of ridicule instead of the envy of my friends. I’d be missing out! Thanks Mom! God bless QVC!

And let’s not forget those culturally challenged folk who don’t have a clue who’s winning Oscars, Grammy’s, Country Music Awards, Emmys, MTV Video Awards. Those empty heads ain’t no fun at parties.

Now with satellite TV and digital feeds, a person can get something like 10,000 channels! Too bad you can’t watch ’em all at once. Even a high-speed grazer could miss one in his lifetime pursuit of the perfect television pasture. Not only does all that choice make a boring day pass easier, it also provides a good excuse for not actually interacting with society. There’s a lot of shady characters running loose on the streets, don’t you know.

Without television, people would actually believe it possible to catch and blow up a Roadrunner! Preposterous! Come to think of it, George W. Bush must have been an avid watcher of The Roadrunner cartoon as a youth. How else can you explain his strategy in Iraq? Cartoons formed the minds of an entire generation. No child left behind.

And where would I be without FOX News or the other networks bringing the World right into my living room! As long as God is in His heaven and FOX delivers it’s elevator music version of reality, there is no mess that a roll of Brawny can’t fix. I feel like I am in Baghdad protected by Harry Potter’s invisibility cloak. I can watch and be spared the minor discomforts and aches and pains of my body parts being blown off!

Watching TV, I can monitor the latest in pandemic plagues without catching them while I snuggle up with the cozy terror of knowing I will die of one before the year is out!

You can have all the fun of being petrified on a daily basis. Who doesn’t love to be frightened to death by nearly impossible and improbable threats? Heck, I swear I’ve had Ebola five times and it sure does itch! I wouldn’t have known that without The Box.

Without my daily dose of infotainment, I’d be depressed. Man, I would not know if a tornado flung a mad cow through a Burger King in Tennessee! Now that’s news!

Without The Box, I wouldn’t be able to receive the Blessed Wisdom of The Shrub. Remember, there’s a pot of black gold – or a Hollywood style conspiracy theory – at the end of every speech. Thanks to TV, it’s as if Michael Crichton scripted all the world’s events in advance.

Without listening to live coverage of Bush’s every word, I’d feel the world was a safe place. Karl Rove wouldn’t like that. And I can’t vote unintelligently unless I am shivering in my timbers with fright. Of course it goes without saying, after watching President Bush, I’m far too afraid to go outside to vote.

Fool me once, shame on – shame on you! Fool me twice… uh… You can’t get fooled again!

So all hail Our Master’s Voice! Plant yourself down in that comfy Captain Kirk chair and let Landru make you one with the body!

Remember; a mind is a terrible thing to waste. So, give the talking heads 90% of it! None of us use more than 10% anyway. What do we have to lose? Turn your mind over to those better suited to abusing it. The mental surplus needs to go to people with the know-how not only to sell hair and potency restoration drugs but also who have the expertise in hustling wars to build nations to make the world safe from democracy… er, uh… or is that for democracy? I’d better go check with FOX… or at least talk radio.

Edited by Elizabeth Gyllensvard.

Tom Chartier [send him mail] played lead guitar in legendary Los Angeles punk band The Rotters for 26 years until their final appearance in January of 2004. He has lived in Tokyo, Japan as well as Los Angeles working in the entertainment industry. He is the primary caregiver of his ten-year-old son and currently resides on Grand Cayman Island in the Caribbean.