Hey y’all, got your television sets on? Sure hope so. It’s
your patriotic duty. Deadeye Dick has his tuned to FOX
That sure does explain a lot.
My set is always on. Even though it’s downstairs and I’m upstairs.
The blitzkrieg of mindless banter makes me feel not so alone. I don’t
want to miss any breaking news. I want to be told what to think.
What do people do who can’t watch because they are at work? Dunno. We
can’t all work in a bank, airport, sports bar or proctologist’s
office, now can we? We can’t all be lucky Americans whose jobs have been
outsourced, who must collect unemployment and get to sit at home watching Phil,
Oprah, Judge Judy, Emeril and who knows all day.
If you still have a job and are stuck at a desk with a computer, or are working
in other unenlightened places lacking Your Master’s Voice, I shudder at
the thought of your plight. You need to give the Boss Man a piece of your mind!
You’re missing out on essential entitlement.
Here’s a for instance. Where would I be today if my most generous mother-in-law
didn’t have the screen blaring QVC all day? I wouldn’t have my Budweiser
beer can slippers! That’s where! I’d be walking around the house
wearing out my socks! I’d be an object of ridicule instead of the envy
of my friends. I’d be missing out! Thanks Mom! God bless QVC!
And let’s not forget those culturally challenged folk who don’t
have a clue who’s winning Oscars, Grammy’s, Country Music Awards,
Emmys, MTV Video Awards. Those empty heads ain’t no fun at parties.
Now with satellite TV and digital feeds, a person can get something like 10,000
channels! Too bad you can’t watch ’em all at once. Even a high-speed
grazer could miss one in his lifetime pursuit of the perfect television pasture.
Not only does all that choice make a boring day pass easier, it also provides
a good excuse for not actually interacting with society. There’s a lot of
shady characters running loose on the streets, don’t you know.
Without television, people would actually believe it possible to catch and
blow up a Roadrunner! Preposterous! Come to think of it, George W. Bush must
have been an avid watcher of The Roadrunner cartoon as a youth. How else can
you explain his strategy in Iraq? Cartoons formed the minds of an entire generation.
No child left behind.
And where would I be without FOX News or the other networks bringing the World
right into my living room! As long as God is in His heaven and FOX delivers
it’s elevator music version of reality, there is no mess that a roll of
Brawny can’t fix. I feel like I am in Baghdad protected by Harry Potter’s
invisibility cloak. I can watch and be spared the minor discomforts and aches
and pains of my body parts being blown off!
Watching TV, I can monitor the latest in pandemic
plagues without catching them while I snuggle up with the cozy terror of
knowing I will die
of one before the year is out!
You can have all the fun of being petrified on a daily basis. Who doesn’t
love to be frightened to death by nearly impossible and improbable threats?
Heck, I swear I’ve had Ebola
five times and it sure does itch! I wouldn’t have known that without The
Without my daily dose of infotainment, I’d be depressed. Man, I would
not know if a tornado flung a mad
cow through a Burger King in Tennessee! Now that’s news!
Without The Box, I wouldn’t be able to receive the Blessed Wisdom of
The Shrub. Remember, there’s a pot of black gold – or a Hollywood
style conspiracy theory – at the end of every speech. Thanks to TV, it’s
as if Michael Crichton scripted all the world’s events in advance.
Without listening to live coverage of Bush’s every word, I’d feel
the world was a safe place. Karl Rove wouldn’t like that. And I can’t
vote unintelligently unless I am shivering in my timbers with fright. Of course
it goes without saying, after watching President Bush, I’m far too afraid
to go outside to vote.
Fool me once, shame on – shame on you! Fool me twice… uh…
You can’t get fooled
So all hail Our Master’s Voice! Plant yourself down in that comfy Captain
Kirk chair and let Landru
make you one with the body!
Remember; a mind is a terrible thing to waste. So, give the talking heads 90%
of it! None of us use more than 10% anyway. What do we have to lose? Turn your
mind over to those better suited to abusing it. The mental surplus needs to
go to people with the know-how not only to sell hair and potency restoration
drugs but also who have the expertise in hustling wars to build nations to make
the world safe from democracy… er, uh… or is that for democracy?
I’d better go check with FOX… or at least talk radio.
Edited by Elizabeth Gyllensvard.
Tom Chartier [send him
mail] played lead guitar in legendary Los Angeles punk band The Rotters
for 26 years until their final appearance in January of 2004. He has lived in
Tokyo, Japan as well as Los Angeles working in the entertainment industry. He
is the primary caregiver of his ten-year-old son and currently resides on Grand
Cayman Island in the Caribbean.