With 2006 upon us, the voices in my head and I decided this would be
the perfect time to study the behavior of politicians and pundits last year
and inaugurate "The First Annual M.F. Awards." It's a contest of sorts
wherein the person with the most awards gets crowned "M. F." of the
year. Get your minds out of the gutter, dear readers (my own has dibs). I'm
talking biggest Miserable Failure of The Year. So, let the AWARD ceremony begin.
THE "DUMB AND DUMBER" AWARD goes to George W. Bush
for this gem: "The war in Iraq has been vary difficult. More difficult
than expected." Two words: "General Shinsecki."
THE "BLIND MAN'S BLUFF" AWARD goes to George W.
Bush (who's taking an early lead, here). When asked by NBC'S Brian Williams
if BushCo. was wrong in expecting to be "welcomed as liberators" in
Iraq, Bush opined. "I think we are welcomed. But it was not a peaceful
welcome." Shock and awe has a way of putting a damper on things, don't
THE "NIGHT OF THE FRISKY DEAD" AWARD goes to Tom
DeLay for commenting on brain-dead Terri Schiavo: "She talks and she laughs
and she expresses likes and discomforts." Apparently, he was watching an
episode of "Veggie Tales" instead of her hospital video.
THE "BE NICE TO MOTHER NATURE" AWARD goes to Rush
Limbaugh, who summed up the Republican push to drill in Alaska's Arctic National
Wildlife Refuge thusly: "If you put together a video of ANWR, you would
see nothing but snow and rock. It is no place anybody's ever going to go. The
wildlife that lives there wishes it didn't, but it's too stupid to figure out
how to move anywhere. They don't have moving vans sent to their places like
people in Philadelphia do when they want to get out of someplace. This is absolutely
absurd." Russ also cheered when Bambi's mother died.
THE FORK-TONGUED AWARD GOES to George W. Bush who stated:
"It's up to Congress to show the American people that we have the capacity
to de-fund programs which don't work, and fund programs which do work."
De-fund? Wow! He's invented another word for his duh-ictionary.
THE DELUSIONAL AWARD goes to Donald Rumsfeld who declared:
"We don't have an exit strategy. We have a victory strategy." He was
playing with his new X-Box at the time.
THE "IT'S A MISERABLE LIFE" AWARD goes to Dennis
Hastert who, while pushing a bankruptcy bill that favored credit card companies
and crushed the middle class and the poor, declared: "Those who abuse the
system make getting credit more expensive for everyone. Bankruptcy is for those
who need help, not those who want to shift costs to other hardworking Americans."
Hastert would go into bankruptcy for his dinner bills alone if he worked at
THE "IT'S GREAT TO BE AN AMERICAN" AWARD goes to
George W. Bush who, at a town hall meeting in Nebraska, encountered a divorced
single mother of three children, one of whom was mentally challenged, and was
forced to work three jobs. Said Bush: "Uniquely American, isn't it? I mean,
that is FANTASTIC that you're doing that." Yeah, and "Roots"
was a real knee-slapper of a mini-series.
THE "MR. WIZARD" SCIENCE AWARD goes to George W.
Bush who, en route, to one of his gasbagging gigs, remarked: "And flying
in, I saw a lot of people on tractors. It's a good sign. But it reminded me
about what is possible when it comes to reasonable energy policy. See, one day
I hope that those tractors are planting fuel so we become less reliant on foreign
sources of energy." Yes, let's plant oil seeds, shall we?
THE ADMINISTRATION'S HINDENBURG AWARD. Three words: Social
THE RUNNER-UP TO THE ADMINISTRATION'S HINDENBURG AWARD. Two
words: Harriet Miers.
THE DONNA REED DOES DALLAS AWARD goes to Laura Bush who joked
about George: "He's learned a lot about ranching since that first year
when he tried to milk the horse. What's worse, it was a male horse." Not
funny, Laura. He's been jerking us off since his coronation.
THE "MY FREUDIAN SLIP IS SHOWING" AWARD goes to
George W. Bush who actually said: "See, in my line of work you got to keep
repeating things over and over and over again for the truth to sink in, to kind
of catapult the propaganda." Incoming!
THE "WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE" AWARD goes to
the Republican Party's top lobbyist Jack Abramoff whose multi-faceted investigation
will do for the Republican controlled Congress what Hurricane Katrina did for
THE CRY-BABY AWARD goes to former Republican California Rep.
Randy "Duke" Cunningham who, when caught with his hand in a half-dozen
cookie jars, yachts and mansions confessed his guilt before TV cameras and cried
like a girly-man.
THE RIP VAN WINKLE AWARD goes to Senator John Kerry who, every
so often, wakes up and says something relevant but in such long-winded, sonorous
tones that he puts everyone else to sleep.
THE NYAH-NYAH AWARD goes to Dick Cheney who, bristling over
an Amnesty International report showing that the U.S. tortures its prisoners,
quipped: "Frankly, I was offended by it. For Amnesty International to suggest
that somehow the United States is a violator of human rights, I frankly don't
take them seriously." Fortunately, nobody takes Cheney seriously, either.
THE MOST HACKNEYED PHRASE OF THE YEAR AWARD goes to all Republicans
who, in terms of the Iraq fiasco, state: "We're fighting the terrorists
over there so we don't have to fight them over here." UH, until we invaded?
There were no terrorists there, clowns.
THE DUMBEST THING KARL ROVE HAS SAID, YET, AWARD goes to Karl
Rove. "Conservatives saw the savagery of 9/11 in the attacks and prepared
for war," he slimed, at a speech before conservative yahoos, "liberals
saw the savagery of the 9/11 attacks and wanted to prepare indictments and offer
therapy and understanding for our attackers." Karl? Take two aspirins and
call your lawyer in the morning.
THE DUMBEST THING A MILITARY MAN HAS EVER SAID ABOUT IRAQ CASUALTIES
AWARD goes to Lt. Gen. Steven Blum, in charge of National Guard forces
in Iraq, who stated that the dangers faced by Guard troops have been largely
exaggerated and that's why not many kids are signing up. "I lose, unfortunately,
more people through private automobile accidents and motorcycle accidents over
the same period of time (as the Guard has been deployed in Iraq)." Okay,
maybe play Jan and Dean's "Dead Man's Curve" and you'll get more cannon
fodder volunteers, idiot.
BEST CHRISTIAN QUIP OF THE YEAR AWARD goes to Colorado Republican
House knuckle-dragger Tom Tancredo who said, re: foreign terrorists attacks:
"If this happens in the United States and we determine that it is the result
of extremist fundamentalist Muslims, ...you know, you could take out their holy
sites." Sniff. And that's why the world loves us.
BEST Q AND A AWARD goes to George W. Bush who, replying to
a reporter saying "But power is perception," quipped: "Power
is being President." Modest little monkey, isn't he?
THE MOST HACKNEYED PHRASE ABOUT IRAQ AWARD goes to George
W. Bush who, every six minutes, says: "As Iraqis stand up, we will stand
down." Great. War as "Simon Says." Next year? Look for Iran and
THE WORST PARADE EVER AWARD goes to Donald Rumsfeld for this
creative idea: "Every year since the Sept. 11 attacks, Americans have commemorated
that anniversary. This year the Department of Defense will initiate an 'American
Supports You Freedom Walk.'" People had to sign up to get into the parade.
Their credentials were checked upon arrival. They were given patriotic T-shirts
if they passed muster. Unfortunately, not too many turned out for this festive
event in the land of the free.
BEST HURRICANE KATRINA HEADLINE AWARD: After New Orleans was
under water, a wire-service headline proclaimed: PRESIDENT CUTS VACATION SHORT
TO RETURN TO WASHINGTON. Apparently, Bush was still too engrossed by the book
"My Pet Goat" to notice anything was going on.
BEST SEPARATED AT BIRTH AWARD goes to Homeland Security Chief
Michael Chertoff and "Tales From the Crypt's" host The Crypt Keeper.
That would explain why FEMA, under Homeland Security, allowed so many people
to die when Katrina struck. Chertoff was talking about Avian Flu at a previously
scheduled event while New Orleans was under water. He didn't declare Katrina
a national disaster for 36 hours. Scary stuff.
THE "LET THEM EAT DEBRIS" AWARD goes to George W.
Bush for this explanation as to why there'd been a delay in removing debris
in hurricane zones, largely populated by the poor and retirees. "They didn't
want to be moving federally-paid dozers on private property. Imagine cleaning
up the debris and a person shows up, and says, where's my valuable china? Or,
where's my valuable art?" If you're on Food Stamps? You're not gonna have
many Picassos lying around, Junior.
THE BEST SUMMATION OF CONGRESS HEADLINE AWARD goes to this
nifty blurb: "Congress seeks to slash food aid for poor."
THE BEST "HAPPY DAYS ARE HERE, AGAIN" HEADLINE AWARD
goes to this wire service story: "Bush touts economy." Two days later,
it was revealed that the U.S. poverty level has risen for five straight years.
THE BEN DOVER AWARD goes to Democratic Senator Joe Lieberman
who has been kissing Bush's ass so much he now buys his Chapstick in bulk.
THE DUMBING DOWN OF DIPLOMACY AWARD goes to Condoleezza Rice,
who explained, before the Senate Foreign Relations Committee, the intricacies
of Iraq: "Our strategy is to clear, hold and build. The enemy's strategy
is to infect, terrorize and pull down." Guess who's winning, kid? Pull
THE DOUBLE O DUBYA AWARD goes to George W. Bush who, not happy
with being the Bumbler-in-Chief, decided to become a spy guy, illegally getting
the NSA to monitor international and domestic phone and computer chats and spy
on the United Nations. Chirped our spymeister: "I just want to assure the
American people that, one, I've got the authority to do this; two, it is a necessary
part of my job to protect you; and, three, we're guarding your civil liberties."
Translation: It's good to be the King.
THE MERRY CHRISTMAS AWARD goes to Bill O' Rielly who, enraged
that people say "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas,"
railed: "I am not going to let oppressive, totalitarian, anti-Christian
forces in this country diminish and denigrate the holiday and the celebration.
I am not going to let it happen. I'm gonna use all the power that I have on
radio and television to bring horror into the world of people who are trying
to do that." He, then, French kissed a loofah.
SO, THE WHO ARE WE FIGHTING, NOW? AWARD goes to George W.
Bush who, in the past three months, has identified our enemies in the Iraqi
war as rejectionists, Saddamists, terrorists, Bathists, foreign fighters and
al-Qaeda. By February, he'll be tossing in the Amish because they're "sneaky
THE DEFINITION OF "IRONY" AWARD goes to Michael
Brown, the former FEMA head who transformed New Orleans into Atlantis. Shortly
after leaving FEMA he announced he was opening a consulting firm, selling his
expertise on emergency preparedness. Next month: Charles Manson teaches grade
schoolers how to whittle.
THE DEFINITION OF "IRONY" RUNNER-UP AWARD goes to
FEMA...which, on its web site, lists Hurricane Katrina as one of it's three
greatest accomplishments of 2005. Way back when, Mrs. O'Leary's cow referred
to the Chicago Fire as "my defining moment."
THE "AND NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH" AWARD goes to George
W. Bush who, at a recent press conference, charmed reporters with "I'll
repeat the question. If I don't like it, I'll make it up." So, what else
THE "HALLMARK CARD" AWARD goes to Senator Bill Frist
who, visiting tsunami-ravaged Sri Lanka, advised one of his staff photographers
to "Get some devastation in the back."
THE "LAW AND ORDER" AWARD goes to "The Book
of Virtues'" author Bill Bennet who stated: "I do know that it's true
that if you wanted to reduce crime, you could, if that were your sole purpose,
you could abort every black baby in this country, and your crime rate would
go down." Happy Kwanzaa, Bill.
THE "DOCTOR KILDARE MEETS X-RAY SPECS" AWARD goes
to Senator Bill Frist who diagnosed Terri Schiavo's condition without actually
visiting her. "I question it based on a review of the video footage which
I spent an hour or so looking at last night in my office. She certainly seemed
to respond to visual stimuli." Shortly thereafter, he gave mouth to mouth
resuscitation to a log. Amazingly, it didn't respond.
THE "WE'RE GOING TO DISNEYLAND" AWARD goes to Tom
DeLay who, visiting hurricane survivors bivouacked at the Astrodome, smiled
at three youngsters. "Now tell me the truth boys, is this kind of fun?"
Yeah, and Hiroshima was a laff riot.
THE "WAR IS HECK" AWARD goes to Donald Rumsfeld
who summed up many Americans' revulsion towards the Iraqi invasion thusly: "Death
has a tendency to encourage a depressing view of war." Gee, ya think?
THE "CARNAC THE MAGNIFICENT" AWARD goes to Dick
Cheney who, back in May, declared: "I think they're in the last throes,
if you will, of the insurgency." At May's end, the American death toll
in Iraq was 1667. As of this writing, it's 2178. Boy, is this guy good or what?
He's even better with his tin foil hat on.
THE "YOU'RE TERMINATED" AWARD goes to California
guvuhnator Arnold Schwarzenegger, who forced a special election down Californians
throats and had all four of his ballot initiatives go down in flames. Kind of
like "The Last Action Hero" did at the box office.
THE "MOTHER OF MERCY" AWARD goes to Barbara Bush
who, visiting hurricane victims housed at the Houston Astrodome, cooed: "What
I'm hearing, which is sort of scary, is that they all want to stay in Texas.
Everybody is so overwhelmed by the hospitality. And so many of the people in
the arena here, you know, were underprivileged anyway so this (chuckles) - this
is working very well for them." Yow! She probably ate the "Nun bun,"
THE STENOGRAPHER OF THE YEAR AWARD: a tie between Judith Miller
and Bob Woodward. Get me re-write! There's an actual fact in this story!
THE WORST INTERVIEWER IN THE WORLD AWARD goes to CNN's Wolf
Blitzer who, while interviewing Jimmy Carter, asked Carter IF the bogus intelligence
spewed by BushCo. had been true would Carter have supported the Iraqi invasion.
This is closely akin to asking "If Godzilla was fighting Mothra outside
your house, would you be scared?" Sheesh!
THE "ME, ME, ME" AWARD goes to Senator Joe Biden
(who apparently bunks out on the set of "Meet the Press") who has
the tendency to answer every question with "As I've always said,"
"If you remember, I've always maintained," and "When I was on
the show last year, Tim, I pointed out..." Oh, stop it. No way in hell
are you going to get the nomination, Sparky. Just Chill.
THE "UH-OH" AWARD goes to George W. Bush for this
statement: "This notion that the United States is getting ready to attack
Iran is simply ridiculous. And having said that, all options are on the table."
The guy knows how to work a room.
THE BIGGEST LOSER OF THE YEAR AWARD goes to America's favorite
stooge Ahmed Chalabi who, after feeding bogus intelligence to BushCo. in order
to justify the invasion of Iraq and after envisioning himself as a power player
in the new Iraq, wound up getting diddly votes in the last election, thus assuring
him a one-way ticket to Palookaville. Maybe he and Judith Miller can team up
and take their ventriloquist act on the road.
THE "MAKE MONEY WORKING OUT OF YOUR OWN HOME" AWARD
goes to Senator Bill Frist...whose blind trust was actually 20-20.
THE "I'D LIKE TO GIVE THE WORLD A COKE" AWARD goes
to Ann Coulter for quipping: "The government should be spying on all Arabs,
engaging in torture as a televised spectator sport, dropping daisy cutters wantonly
throughout the Middle East and sending liberals to Guantanamo." She then
broke into the classic Disney song "It's A Small World, After All."
THE NOTSO INTELLIGENT DESIGN AWARD goes to Pat Robertson for
referring to those who believe in evolution as "fanatics." "I
mean, it is a religion. It's a cult. It is a cultish religion." You're
the expert, Pat.
THE "FREEDOM FRIES" AWARD goes to Dennis Hastert
who re-named the West Lawn's "Holiday Tree" the "Capitol Christmas
Tree." He also re-named Bush's pardoned Thanksgiving turkey -"lunch."
THE "FOOT IN MOUTH DISEASE" AWARD goes to Dennis
Hastert who, shortly after New Orleans was destroyed by Hurricane Katrina, questioned
bothering to rebuild the city. "It doesn't make sense to me," he said.
"But you know, we build Los Angeles and San Francisco on top of earthquake
fissures and they rebuild, too. Stubbornness." Talk about your compassionate
THE WORST RETRACTION EVER AWARD goes to Dennis Hastert who
got his ass kicked for the above statement. His retraction, however, basically
was the same statement, adding that rebuilding the city without doubling or
tripling New Orleans' levees "probably wouldn't be very smart." At
present, the government is replacing the old levees with duplicates of the old
THE HOUSE LEADERSHIP AWARD goes to Dennis Hastert who, after
calling the House into a special session to pass a Katrina relief package, skipped
out on the actual vote to attend a political fund-raiser in Indiana and an antique
THE "MY BUDDY" AWARD goes to "Hardball's"
Chris Matthews who summed up Dubya by gushing: "Everybody sort of likes
the president, except for the real whack-jobs on the left. I mean, I like him
personally." Stalin was, supposedly, a real charmer, too, Chris.
THE CLASSIC BUSH CARES ABOUT THE TROOPS HEADLINE AWARD goes
to: "Bush Teleconference With Soldiers Staged." Ooops. Mission Accomplished.
THE "CAUSE AND EFFECT" AWARD goes to George W. Bush
in this classic Q&A. Question: "Why do you think bin Laden has not
been caught?" Bush: "Because he's hiding." Thanks, Sherlock.
Drumroll, please. Naaah. Never mind. I don't think we have to actually count
the votes to give our M.F. award, gang. It's pretty obvious. Yes, ladies and
gentlemen, the winner of the biggest Miserable Failure of 2005 prize goes to
our esteemed President of the United States, George W. Bush. Why don't we all
drop him a line and tell him that we're proud of him? Simply Google "miserable
failure" and hit "I'm feeling lucky." You'll be taken directly
to the White House web site!
I get teary-eyed every time I do that.
Then, the anti-depressants kick in and I'm fine.
God bless America. God help us all.