On Earth II, Brownie did a heck of a job, and poverty was wiped out in America
when all the poor people were sent to live like cattle in an arena.
No child was left behind, freedom was still on the march, and a brain-dead
woman in Florida trumped a heartsick mother in Texas in getting the president's
Creationism was renamed Intelligent Design in a stunning public relations move.
"Plan for Victory" won the 2005 White House Slogan of the Year, belatedly,
but finally replacing "Mission Accomplished" as the definitive Earth
II commentary on the Iraq war.
Bush decreed there's no such thing as global warming, thereby solving that
problem once and for all.
Plus, word definitions were agreeably changed. "Deficit reduction plan"
on Earth II, for example, actually means "deficit growth plan" here
on Earth I.
Prisoners (called "detainees" on Earth II) can be tortured there,
and so can the English language. Oddly, Bush is entirely coherent in his alternate
Much to the relief of God, Bush began the year with a surprise, albeit
tortured, announcement that he is not God:
"We are in no way, shape or form should a human being play God."
In February, we learned that Social Security was the top crisis on
Earth II. Who knew? And Bush had a plan to save it:
"Because the - all which is on the table begins to address the big cost
drivers. For example, how benefits are calculate, for example, is on the table;
whether or not benefits rise based upon wage increases or price increases.
There's a series of parts of the formula that are being considered. And when
you couple that, those different cost drivers, affecting those - changing
with personal accounts, the idea is to get what has been promised more likely
to be - or closer delivered to what has been promised." (Feb. 4)
Bush also clarified his position on Iran in February:
"This notion that the United States is getting ready to attack Iran
is simply ridiculous. And having said that, all options are on the table."
In March, the nation breathed a sigh of relief when Bush made it
clear that not only does he not play God, he also doesn't talk to pictures
of dead people:
"In this job you've got a lot on your plate on a regular basis. You
don't have much time to sit around and wander, lonely in the Oval Office,
kind of asking different portraits, 'How do you think my standing will be?'"
Bush also explained his Social Security plan for those who die before
"If they pre-decease or die early, there's an asset base to be able
to pass on to a loved one." (March 30)
In April, Bush announced that the coal supply was plentiful and that
it was good for the environment on Earth II:
"We have enough coal to last for 250 years, yet coal also prevents an
environmental challenge." (April 20)
April was also a big month for progress in the war in Iraq, as Bush
explained again and again. Among his announcements was the noble decree that
terrorists should be kept safe:
"It's in our country's interests to find those who would do harm to
us and get them out of harm's way." (April 28)
In May, the Social Security crisis made a comeback as Bush appealed
to young folks by either making or breaking promises to them, hard to tell
"I think younger workers - first of all, younger workers have been promised
benefits the government - promises that have been promised, benefits that
we can't keep. That's just the way it is." (May 4)
Despite the fact that nothing he said about Social Security made
any sense on Earth I, he also promised to keep saying it:
"See, in my line of work you got to keep repeating things over and over
again for the truth to sink in, to kind of catapult the propaganda."
In June, Bush explained that, happily, Earth II's coal supply had
"Do you realize we've got 250 million years of coal?" (June 8)
In July, Bush suspended all formal rules of grammar in his fight
against an increasingly unruly press. Not only was freedom on the march, so
was his syntax:
"The best place for the facts to be done is by somebody who's spending
time investigating it." (July 18)
During August, Bush got a peek at reality when he flew over Earth
I in his flying saucer to see the hurricane damage:
"It's totally wiped out. It's devastating. It's got to be doubly devastating
from the ground." (Aug. 31)
In September, he finally responded to the hurricane crisis by rolling
up his sleeves for a photo op. Also, he cautioned Earth I-lings to quit hoarding
"Don't buy gas if you don't need it." (Sept. 1)
Also in September, we learned that the five senses are different
on Earth II:
"We look forward to hearing your vision, so we can more better do our
job." (Sept. 20)
With the October nomination of Harriet Miers, Bush illustrated that,
on Earth II, inexperience is the very BEST qualification for a Supreme Court
"It's important to bring somebody from outside the judicial system,
somebody that hasn't been on the bench and, therefore, there's not a lot of
opinions for people to look at." (Oct. 4)
In November, Bush visited the southern hemisphere on Earth I and
learned a little geography about our planet:
"Wow! Brazil is big." (Nov. 6)
Finally, in December, Bush admitted that maybe the war in Iraq didn't
need to happen. Except, on Earth II, it did need to happen:
"Whether or not it needed to happen, I'm still convinced it needed to
happen." (Dec. 13)
And so, Bush parties on in his Earth II White House, blissfully unaware that
the jig is up on Earth I, where New Orleans is still in sorry shape; where the
war in Iraq grinds on to no purpose; where the rich get richer; where the uninsured
get sicker; where the former presidential nickname Bubba has been supplanted
by Bubble Boy.
It's been a heck of a year, Bubble Boy. And always believe your Imagineers
when they tell you:
If you're on Earth II.