Wish I made a fraction of what the war pimps make. You know the ones--Krauthammer, Coulter, Boot, Safire, Limbaugh, Will, O'Reilly, Hannity, Ledeen - those media guys doing the well-paid work of Dick Cheney and doing it well...while earning big paychecks along with Dick and his gang.

Wish I made a fraction of the fine income those propagandists made. You know the ones, those media folks on Op-Ed pages and TV news programs everywhere, who never fought a single battle but make a plush living pimping for war. Wish I could do that and not see the devil smirking at me in the mirror.

Wish I made a pittance of what those well-connected contractors in Iraq make, and continue to make. You know the ones: The Bush/Cheney 'No-bid' contractors like Halliburton, Exxon-Mobil, and the Carlyle Group. Good old boys, lifelong pals of Dick Cheney, a guy who called war critics like me "opportunists."

Yeah, I wish I, too, made a dime for every dollar stolen from the taxpayer. Wish I could sleep nights, like the Neocons, knowing a whole bunch of people in Iraq got their country stolen, while a bunch more Americans in uniform were serving as jailers overseas.

Wish I could amass billions for my friends, as Dick has done, while thousands of dirt poor Americans in uniform did the dirty work of guarding millions of folks even poorer than them. What a great job that would be - if only I could sleep at night.

Wish I owned the news media, the handful of big publishers and TV networks and those thousands of radio stations from sea to shining sea. Wouldn't that be grand! Whenever someone dared criticize me, I'd simply get all my guard dogs in the media to write their columns and immediately fill TV and talk radio airwaves to shout my critics down. I'd sic Hannity and Savage on 'em! I'd get Malkin and Coulter to question their manhood.

Wish I had the opportunity of an Ivy League education. I'd use that opportunity to befriend guys exactly like me. We'd plot ways to take power, and not waste our time on useless information or education or knowledge. Because, when you think about it, Power Is Knowledge. Power educates. Power informs.

And the Opportunity to amass that power is reserved for people like me, if I were Dick Cheney that is, with all my Ivy League and Pentagon and corporate connections.

Wish I, too, had all the bureaucracies at my beck and call. FBI, CIA, Pentagon, NORAD, NTSB, NYPD - all the acronyms of a powerful state government. I'd plot my plots; I'd plan my plans. I'd make all the acronyms do my bidding, for me and my well-connected friends.

Wish I controlled the weather. I'd spray the whole country from five miles up. Why? Because I could. But I wouldn't tell anyone. Why should they know? I'd own the skies. Because once you own the skies you own whatever is under it.

Wish I lived forever. I'd extend my power over the whole world, without apology, for me and my cronies. We would reshape the world in MY image of what the world should be.

Wish I made a sweet deal with the devil. What an opportunity for me. The only reason I couldn't...is because I'm not Dick Cheney.

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Douglas Herman, "opportunist," essayist and war critic, earned approximately $1,000 last year opportunistically opposing the war. He also authored the opportunistic new novel, The Guns of Dallas